Should we forgive our parents to reclaim our inner peace?
And is it about forgiveness at all…
When I left Poland to move to England, one of the main reasons for this decision was to disconnect from my mum and find my identity without her constant influence on my life. I felt very lost and unhappy in life. The relationship in which I had placed a lot of hope didn’t work out, and I later got into a very destructive relationship, almost hitting rock bottom and rebounding from it with the decision to go abroad to discover myself.
To this day, I remember my conversation with my mum when, with tears in my eyes, I announced my new idea for my life to her. My deep sadness probably convinced her that leaving was the only way, and to my surprise, she showed me a lot of understanding and support.
Phase 1: Fading away
Maintaining a good long-distance relationship with my mum became a challenge over time. On the one hand, I still wanted to be a good daughter, so I called her regularly and updated her on what was happening with me. However, slowly but surely, I started feeling uncomfortable with it. As I delved into myself and got to know myself better, freed from my mother’s influence, I noticed that I wanted to limit contact with her more and more. I reached out less frequently, made fewer trips to Poland, and focused more on my self-discovery. In the meantime, I also started my blog, gradowa.pl.
Writing the blog seemed to be a turning point in our relationship, although that wasn’t the initial intention when I poured out my grievances about my mum, expressing everything from her undermining my self-esteem to comparing me consistently with my sister to punishing me with silence. Article after article, I analysed how my relationship with my mum affected my adult life. I left no stone unturned, and positive remarks about her were very rare. I was in a stage of anger, rebellion, and resentment. The negative emotions consumed me and led to limiting contact with my mum to an absolute minimum. For some time, I didn’t speak to her for months, and I didn’t feel any guilt about it.
Phase 2: A Bridge to Understanding
One day, when I received an email from my mum revealing that she had found my blog and read all those posts about her, I was shocked. Not only because I wondered how she found my blog, but also because she showed tremendous understanding of my pain, even though it wasn’t easy for her to face criticism and accusations. What parent would want to hear from their own child that they made mistakes, especially when reading it on a publicly accessible blog?
“You write and think wisely and beautifully, but most importantly, you’re not afraid to speak honestly about what’s in your heart, and that’s what I value most. I’ll do my best to truly understand it. It’s a life lesson, though a difficult one. But did anyone promise that life would be easy?”
Phase 3: Rejection
We started exchanging electronic correspondence, and my mum shared many personal experiences and reflections with me. In hindsight, I might not have been entirely open to her arguments at that time, though I appreciated her willingness to engage in dialogue and acknowledge her mistakes. It’s hard for me to say whether our relationship significantly changed back then, but there was certainly a breakthrough. To the extent that I decided to suspend writing the blog and stop further deepening our relationship. I felt that I needed more time to ‘process’ everything. I still looked at her critically, received her concerns about me negatively, and, to some extent, rejected her love. This lasted for several years as if I wanted to punish her now for all those hurtful behaviours experienced in my childhood, for the criticism, lack of appreciation, and the feeling that I wasn’t good enough. Aware of my mother’s age, I tried to be caring and occasionally got in touch to check if everything was okay with her. Nonetheless, I noticed that every one of her actions and words provoked irritation, anger, and resentment in me.
The breakthrough
Recently, I was in Poland again. I mainly wanted to see my father because his health was not the best. I arranged to meet my mum at the last minute and more out of a sense of duty than a desire to see her. Today, I know that my unplanned trip to my hometown was meant to happen to finally rebuild my relationship with my mum and find the love that I once rejected. This breakthrough was “thanks” to the fact that my mum was diagnosed with depression.
Mum began to worry that her memory wasn’t the same. She was annoyed that she was always looking for something, forgetting things and that basic information easily slipped her mind. I tried to reassure her that it was probably due to her age and that it was normal, but she insisted on seeing a specialist in dementia and Alzheimer’s. On the day we were supposed to meet, she already had an appointment with a memory doctor arranged by my brother. After going through a series of tests, the doctor said that her memory was quite good considering her age, but what was worrisome and could result in various symptoms was her depressive state.
It had been two years since mum retired. She had no regular activities, meanwhile, the unfortunate pandemic happened, then knee surgery, and the loss of her beloved cat, her faithful companion, took a toll on her. Mum was suffering from loneliness, and consequently, profound sadness, which she tried to hide so as not to worry anyone.
Reconnecting with Empathy
When I heard all of this, I felt incredibly sad. Sad that my mum was sad! On the same day, I took her out to dinner at a restaurant, and then we returned to hers for a cup of tea and a piece of cake. In one moment, as if by a magical wand, I no longer felt anger, resentment, or bitterness. I felt peace, compassion, and unconditional love.
The next day, I had a flight back to London. I was quite upset all day and occasionally burst into tears. I was so incredibly sad that my mum was sad! I thought to myself that she didn’t deserve this sadness and loneliness. Suddenly, it also dawned on me that all those accusations I had against her lost their significance. It finally struck me that living in resentment, anger, and bitterness is senseless. I decided that it was time to take responsibility for my adult life, forgive, and start looking at the positive aspects that my mum brought and continues to bring to my life.
Phase 4: Generational Understanding
When I got back home, I began to reread those old emails I exchanged with my mum after she read my blog. In one of the emails, she attached a letter she found in the family archives. It was a letter that my grandmother sent to her mother. A letter filled with love and gratitude. Let me mention here that my grandmother did not have an easy life as a child. In her times, corporal punishment was a common way of upbringing, and that’s exactly how her mother, my great-grandmother, raised her. Despite this, my grandmother cherished her mother’s love and saw that her mother wanted what was best for her. My mum also loved her mother, my grandmother, even though she, too, experienced physical punishment. Both of them were able to approach their parents with understanding while appreciating that they were raised to become decent people. My mum, however, took it a step further. Keeping in mind the pain and fear she experienced during childhood physical punishments, she made a deep commitment to never, ever raise her hand on her children. And she kept her word, for which I’m eternally grateful.
“You need to understand that my upbringing was completely different to how I raised you. I promised myself that I would never use such ‘educational’ methods — execution in cold blood. This is how my mum was brought up, and she believed it was the right way. I think that in the evenings, when the children were asleep, she cried into her pillow, regretting that she was so cruel to us because, in reality, she was a good mother to us and loved us very much, but she couldn’t do it differently.”
Phase 5: Understanding a path to forgiveness
In forgiving our parents, a key role is played by understanding where their behaviour comes from and recognising good intentions in their actions. My mum was able to achieve this with her mother. In my case, it took me a long time, but I’m glad that I can finally look at my mum with understanding and love instead of anger and resentment. Not only can I see care in my mum’s behaviour rather than just criticism or malice, but I’m also aware of the circumstances in which my mum was when she raised us.
My mum, as she admitted, always wanted to have many children because she loved them. But it wasn’t easy for her because, most of the time, she was a ‘single wife’. My dad worked a lot, mainly on foreign contracts, so we sometimes didn’t see him for months. When he was home, it was evident that there was no strong connection between my parents, hence the frequent silent days. I now believe that many of my mum’s behaviours toward me were her way of venting her frustrations about her relationship with my dad. Nevertheless, she managed to raise us all to be intelligent, capable, and good people. Not only did she ensure our education, but she also instilled good manners and a love for art, music, and culture in us. It used to annoy me that she constantly checked my knowledge about general topics, but today, I’m grateful because it helped me develop critical thinking and creative problem-solving skills within myself.
Phase 6: Taking responsibility is the key
Being a parent is an incredibly challenging role. I never wanted to have children or become a mother, so I can only imagine how much responsibility lies on a parent for raising a child. From the perspective of an adult who had to grapple with many life challenges and work through patterns brought from home, with the help of a psychologist, coach, or mentor, I now know that it’s not about forgiving our parents. It’s about taking responsibility for our adult lives.
- It’s not my mom’s fault that frequently I was getting into toxic relationships with partners who weren’t right for me. These were my decisions, whether made consciously or not. It’s not anyone’s fault but solely my responsibility to examine my unhealthy tendencies, put effort into my personal growth, and learn new behaviours that allow me to build a relationship with an emotionally engaged partner.
- It’s not my sister’s fault that our mom constantly compared me to her, leading me to develop the belief that I’m never good enough because I’m not (and don’t want to be) like my sister. Nevertheless, it’s my responsibility to strengthen my sense of self-worth and learn to accept myself for my uniqueness and appreciate my individuality.
- It’s not my father’s fault that the breakup of their relationship with my mom left a mark on my psyche and instilled a constant fear that I would end up like my parents, so it’s better to evacuate before troubles start, and I end up alone like my mother. However, it’s my responsibility to work on my communication style with my current partner, without abandoning him every time there is a misunderstanding and my defence mechanisms urge me to escape.
Should we forgive our parents?
To forgive: ‘to stop being angry with someone for what they did wrong and to refrain from intending to punish them.’
Based on this definition, I have forgiven my mother, but at the same time, I believe it’s not about forgiveness but taking responsibility in our adult lives.
Working on ourselves and behaviours inherited from home will require a significant effort, and not everyone is ready to take on this challenge. Many people have normalised their relationships with their parents and don’t consider how this relationship may be affecting their adult lives. They may have ‘forgiven’ their parents, but they continue to grapple with emotional challenges in their daily lives, make decisions on autopilot, suppress uncomfortable emotions with alcohol or other substances, or hurt people around them with toxic behaviours or a lack of open communication.
I believe that only taking full responsibility for our lives and the choices we make will help us embark on the path of internal transformation, leading to curiosity and openness to dialogue. While this dialogue is not always possible, and it may even be just a monologue, trying to understand our parents can lead to profound relief, stemming from the knowledge and faith that our parents did their best to raise us as decent human beings.
Perhaps we will then realise the significance of our parents in our lives, and instead of nurturing resentment, bitterness, and anger, we will be able to establish a dialogue from the standpoint of a rational, mature person rather than that of a wounded, defenceless child whose safety depended on the reactions and behaviours of their parents.
Is it worth it?
The journey I undertook to reconnect with my mother was neither swift nor linear. It was a path marked by anger, rebellion, and resentment, only to transform into one of understanding, empathy, and love. The phases I went through illustrate the complexity of our relationships with our parents and how they shape our adult lives.
In my experience, the pivotal moment came when I realised that harbouring anger and resentment was senseless. I understood that my mother, like many parents, did her best under challenging circumstances.
For many, the journey of self-improvement and breaking free from ingrained behaviours may seem daunting. However, it is through taking responsibility that we truly grow and evolve.
It’s not about forgiving our parents; it’s about understanding them and, more importantly, understanding ourselves.
While not every story will have a miraculous transformation like mine, the journey of setting yourself free from the burden of resentment is worth taking. Reaching understanding, forgiveness, and reconciliation takes time, effort, and self-reflection. However, if you want to live your life filled with compassion, peace and unconditional love, I wholeheartedly encourage you to take a deep dive and open the door to your own personal healing and growth.
The original article is on my Polish blog gradowa.com
