Bursting the Solopreneurship Bubble
If I am not what I do, do I need to be passionate about what I do, to be good at what I do?
In my recent article, I shared how I felt burned out last year. I was putting lots of pressure on myself and discovered it was due to identifying with what I do and ignoring who I am. As a person, as a human being. The triggering and breakthrough moment happened when someone who reached out to me asking for help eventually pulled out. Although I knew it had nothing to do with me but with this person’s indecisiveness, I felt disappointed, angry, and somewhat lost my motivation to keep going with my business. I needed a break. I’ve had enough of being my job. I needed to pause, to reset, to take a huge step back.
Going back to where I started.
On one Wednesday evening, I was sitting on my cosy sofa, watching something on Netflix with one eye while contemplating what to do with my life. As I surrendered to my instinct, an idea that had been following me for over a year, popped into my head again.
I wanted to get a job that was not related to my professional qualifications. A job where I can do what I am supposed to do, and after finishing a shift, not think about it. I also wanted to be around people, because frankly, I started to feel extremely lonely in my home-based office room sometimes for days speaking only with my partner.
When I moved to the UK, back in April 2013, my first job was in London’s cafe Patisserie Valerie (not existing anymore). I accepted I needed to start somewhere, so I was glad to find my place there for a few months. I have to say, I really enjoyed this job. Yes, it was tiring, sometimes stressful and demanding, but overall, it provided me with the funds I needed, and responsibility so my days and weeks weren’t aimless, and most importantly, I was around people I had fun with (well, mostly). The best part was that this job didn’t define me. I wasn’t a waitress. It was just a job. I knew very well that at some point I would leave and find a job in marketing that is in line with my experience and education. This awareness gave me a sense of freedom and peace of mind. I wasn’t my job. And so not only could I switch off after each shift, but also I wasn’t afraid to stand my ground. In other words, I didn’t put up with bs.
And that is what I was craving now.
Without too much thinking, I sent an application to a local garden centre with a cafe on-site. The next day they responded to invite me for an interview, and a few days later I started my first shift. By the end of it, I began to ask myself, “What have I done!!!???” Honestly, I don’t remember when was the last time I was THAT tired. Physically, I was exhausted. When I got home I fell on the sofa and couldn’t move. When my partner got home I burst into tears. I was close to throwing in a towel, but then I said to myself: I made a commitment so I am going to stick with it. Also, I trusted there is a lesson in this experience so I will be open to receiving it. I would like to tell you that after a few shifts, I got used to it and felt better, but it wasn’t. The job was exhausting and I was so tired that in between days I wasn’t working, I stayed in bed or simply was doing NOTHING.
And that was my first lesson: To rest without guilt.
My body needed to recover after each shift. And so I gave it what it needed. I would stay in bed and sleep for as long as I felt was necessary. I would take things easy and only engage in activities that brought me joy. I didn’t have the energy to continue my fitness classes, so I took a break. I also decided to step away from work-related social media activities, and with no guilt whatsoever, I switched off. I managed to complete all important client projects before I started this job, so I was free from all sorts of obligations. All I needed was to fulfil my basic needs: the need to rest.
The hardest part, though, wasn’t the physical exhaustion but the dialogue with my small ego that couldn’t stand the fact that I now do a waiting job. I had to mindfully ignore the voice that was telling me that I should feel ashamed, that I am a failure. And that is when I started realizing how important it is to separate what we do from who we are.
Putting aside the fact that I was tired and on the mornings of my shifts I honestly didn’t feel like doing it, I wanted to focus on the positive sides of this experience.
People who knew about my new commitment told me I should feel proud of myself. Proud that I chose what I felt was right for me at this particular moment. And that is true. I followed the voice that told me I needed to take a step back from my business, that I needed to be around people a bit more and also to see and appreciate how far I have come. Because doing this job was a choice, not a necessity. I had the freedom to leave anytime I wanted with no obligations.
The most important lesson was to see the purpose of life in just living.
In being. To see myself as a human being and enjoy simple things in life: cooking a meal, looking at birds and squirrels in our garden munching peanuts we left for them, stroking my adopted cat Lemmy, staring at the sun, drinking my favourite coffee, having a phone conversation with my sister, my mum, my dad, watching a favourite show with my partner in our cosy, warm and safe home.
Sometimes I take all these things for granted and in moments of despair or depressive states I convince myself, that they don’t matter. But they do. These are the reasons I am glad I am alive and remind me how lucky I am to have access to them all.
Now, I want to enjoy these moments more and find my passion in cultivating them.
It doesn’t go unnoticed that this year I am turning 40.
It could be that what I was going through was the mid-life ‘crisis’ where I asked even more of life’s purpose.
While the first ‘half’ of my life was driven more by my ego’s needs and desires, I now feel more in alignment with my heart’s calling. What it wants is inner peace, meaningful connections, and genuine care. I want my job to provide me with the resources I need to live a good life. I don’t need my job to define me as a person. I am good at what I do and that is enough for me to feel fulfilled about what I do. My passion though is in exploration.
I am curious to explore what it means to be a human being and navigate life as an imperfect yet heart-grounded person. I want to choose things that bring me joy and refuse, ignore, and reject those that cause me stress, frustration and dissatisfaction.
This will be through my writing that I will express my deepest thoughts and feelings and contemplate the meaning of life. Which, as I discovered, is in simple things.
I will happily do my job because I am good at what I do.
My main fulfilment though will come from exploring life as it is and sharing my observations with those who are curious as well.
Nothing brings me more joy than knowing, that my writing can make people feel heard, seen and understood. I love receiving comments that someone resonated with a piece I wrote.
“I loved the newsletter you sent out, it spoke volumes to me ‘I always identify with what I do. I am what I do. It’s my identity. And if so, when something doesn’t go according to plan or simply I decide to change direction, I feel like a failure - I needed to read this. Thank you for sharing it with me.”
Sometimes taking a huge step back might lead us to see our lives from a different perspective. It can also remind us what is important in life and appreciate things we were taking for granted, too busy to notice what is around us.
I have never considered that going back to where I started would bring me the peace of mind I was always looking for.
The experience of working a job not related to my professional background allowed me to not only let go of the pressure I was putting on myself but also stop listening to outside advice and turn inward. It turned out all the answers I was looking for were within me, and now I am finally more relaxed and open to listening to them.
